Being a Chinese adoptee comes with so many questions and confusions. How do I be both Chinese and American? Will I lose touch with my Chinese identity? What would my life be like if I hadn’t been adopted? My journey to attempt to answer these questions started when I was three years old. I was adopted from Bengbu, China when I was just ten months old. The only part of my Chinese identity I knew of at that point was my Chinese name 安清丽, which my parents decided to make my middle name. While growing up in Portland, Oregon, my parents decided to enroll me in a Mandarin immersion program that went from pre-K all the way through senior year of high school. They wanted me to have Chinese adult figures and role models in my life that could provide me with support and understanding that they as white parents could not provide me with. Through this school program, I was able to not only navigate my way through my more unfamiliar Chinese identity, but also become very close friends with many other Chinese adoptees who shared experiences similar to mine. It was definitely a challenge for me to grow up surrounded by white privilege and a white population while also trying to stay in touch with my Chinese identity. Often times I would get confused on what exactly it meant for me to be both Chinese and American. Studying Chinese allowed me to better understand this side of me that I was otherwise somewhat out of touch with. It is what drove me to keep studying Chinese throughout college and apply it to my future career. 

 

The Portland Public Schools Mandarin Immersion Program allowed me to speak and study Chinese language and Chinese culture intensively. During elementary school, half of the day was taught in Chinese and the other half in English. My Chinese language proficiency increased at a rapid pace, and my knowledge of Chinese culture grew as well. I distinctly remember being a part of my elementary school's Chinese New Year performance every year. I would perform Chinese dances and songs, and argue with classmates about which of the zodiac animals each of us wanted to be. The program also brought me to China twice, once in 8th-grade to study Chinese language for two weeks and another time following my junior year of high school to teach English in migrant schools.  I had not been back to China since being adopted, and studying in various cities there was such an amazing experience for me. I still vividly remember the plane touching down in China in eighth grade, and I unexpectedly got emotional. Going back to China brought me closer to my Chinese identity and allowed me to learn more about the culture that I had somewhat left behind. I felt so much satisfaction in myself as I walked through the streets of China using the language skills and knowledge I had worked so hard to gain to communicate with people I met and interacted with. I lived with a host family for those couple of weeks as well. I was able to go experience a Chinese wedding and torch festival, walk through the food carts and vendors lining the streets, and practice using my Chinese language skills at all hours of the day. 

 

Although my trips to China were incredible experiences, I had also left with a realization. On a bus in Shanghai during my 8th-grade trip, a woman tapped me on the shoulder to ask where I was from. She had probably heard me speaking English to my other classmates. She proceeded to point out that even though I could speak Chinese, I clearly looked like a foreigner. I had realized from this moment on that I didn’t 100% fit in with both my Chinese and American identities. In China, my birthplace, I was pointed out to be different from the majority. In America, where I grew up, people would question me on why I am the only Chinese person in a predominantly white family or where my middle Chinese middle name came from. I thought I had figured out that balance of being Chinese and American, but I clearly still had so many unanswered questions. How much of my Chinese identity was still a part of me? How do I stay in touch with this identity?

 

My passion for studying Chinese carried on with me as I applied for college. I thought that by continuing to study Chinese, I could continue my journey of navigating through being Chinese-American. Going into college, I was frightened that I would be going through this journey alone. Throughout the years, however, I found that this was not the case. My freshman year roommate was a Chinese adoptee, many of my professors and fellow students were Chinese-American, and I found courses that talked about Chinese-American identity and allowed me to explore the adoption experience. 

 

I decided to come to St. Olaf for the Chinese and Asian Studies programs they had to offer. I knew from the beginning of college that I wanted to become involved in the Chinese department, but did not exactly know what I wanted to do with my Chinese studies in the future. The Chinese major led me to take both Chinese language courses as well as courses related to Chinese and Asian Studies. Through these courses, I was able to further understand Chinese culture, identity, and the language itself. As I kept up my Chinese language learning, I also enrolled in courses that provided me with opportunities to learn about new things that hadn’t been explored through the Mandarin immersion program. I took courses on Asian history, second language learning in an Asian context, Chinese literature, and even a course on how to use Chinese language in a professional setting and career. 

 

Through the Asian Conversations Program that I enrolled in sophomore year, I was also able to travel back to Asia for the third time. While studying in China, I worked at my Chinese language skills, and was motivated to work harder at improving them. I also realized that my knowledge of Asian culture had grown. I knew more about both the history and modern day Chinese society and culture. It was fascinating to be able to apply this knowledge to my observations of Shanghai and observe how this city had changed since I had been in 8th-grade. This program also allowed me to travel to Japan and learn about Japanese culture, which was much more unfamiliar to me. Plus, after the program was over, my close friend and I traveled to Thailand for a week. We definitely got a little too sunburned, but overall I would say it was a pretty amazing month full of new experiences!

 

After returning back from the Asian Conversations trip to Asia, I decided to work hard at keeping up my Chinese proficiency. At this point I thought I wanted to use my Chinese in my future career, but knew this would not be easy if my studies did not stay consistent. I took on the challenge of writing a research paper in Chinese on the “left behind children” in China. This was a migrant population of children in China that did not receive adequate access to a proper education. My research was driven by my experiences teaching in rural China following my junior year of high school. For a week of our trip, we stayed in the rural villages of Yunnan and taught English to elementary aged students. We were told that often times these children’s parents would leave their children in the village to go find work. These children therefore had little educational opportunity and support outside of the classroom. I decided to further explore these issues and how the children’s education was impacted. Around this time, my interest in the education field began growing as well. I discovered an interest in promoting a more multicultural education into schools through language programs. Being a part of a variety of language programs throughout my education provided me with incredible opportunities and experiences. I would like to continue to promote growth in these programs to allow others these opportunities as well. Through these career aspirations, I could combine both of my passions, Chinese and education, into my future career. 

 

My Chinese and Asian Studies journey provided me with so much growth. I was able to better navigate my Chinese-American identity, travel to new places and meet new people, and figure out how I could apply my interests into my future career. My Chinese studies journey introduced me to so many new perspectives and new lenses. It provided me with challenges and successes, and allowed me to learn from failures. I am still working through this journey. I have so many unanswered questions, wonders, and curiosities. I know that no matter where life takes me next, my Chinese studies journey will always be a part of it.